Most recent selfie.

Is the distraction just a mask for the internal rising panic? It's fun yes but just distracting enough to not panic about how glasses don't really help and things are kinda smokey all the time. Am I just letting my mind wonder to ignore the impending surgery and intrinsic risks? Probably but maybe I need the break for the week.

It's terrible to be overwhelmed by emotions but to also know what chemicals and neurotransmitters are being releases by body and brain to cause these feelings but I can't control it or my thoughts all the time.  Influence maybe and will but never fully control. We aren't meant to know all our fate, life would be really boring if I already started knowing the ending... That's supposedly what keeps life interesting.

I'd say though intrusive thoughts about going blind fully replaying most nights with your dead dad in the dreams also is a great way to wake up for the day. I suppose I could have worse reasoning for being grumpy or late for work but thank Goddess I'm loved and don't do that anymore. That is and honestly isn't a flex I'm glad I don't have to stress over if my health changes suddenly anymore but I also miss quality control and medical assistant education.

Most recent meme on my phone, very accurate.

Things I don't miss are close quarters with strangers and like the one cool person in the office who also smokes occasionally. People's excuses for not doing x, y, or z but hey I did it too sometimes. When accountability is selectively inforced and what's good for the goose is good for the gander when they feel like it how is anyone supposed to know the basic set rules? At least I'm not looking forward to my surgery just so I can be off work for a few days in a row anymore.

Sorry for the rant lovely people, my mind is kinda full right now and I'm having a fook ton of feels. I see my eye doc soon and this is normal for me. I may start my Buspar tomorrow so I calm the Fook down. I will get through this.

Blessed Be.

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